Week 55: We Are Back and We Are Fat

Every now and then life swallows you whole. The end of 2012 and even the beginning of 2013 sure did. While we didn’t stop eating, we stopped writing… and we’re sorry.

Lately I just feel so overwhelmed… like that stay at home mom that everyone has one of in their life… who continually tells you how tough their job is; “unable to find the time” for any of the day’s imperative tasks like switching over the laundry, exercising, and shoving a tit in their crying infant’s mouth. Sounds so taxing, I have no idea how you do it. 

Anyway, this week we’re back, and we’re fat.  What better way to give yourself a guilt trip than by visiting some stick thin Asians? Tampa Buffet is not new to the Sunday Meatball Chronicles. In fact, before we even met and Ryan was obese he used to actually go there alone. The thought of having no one to be fat with makes me terribly sad.

If executed correctly, a Chinese buffet can be better than sex with Chuck Norris. A lot of responsibility falls into the customer’s hands though. You can’t blame the buffet for bad food if you show up at the wrong time. You want to avoid the hour right before the switch from lunch to dinner. New food is not coming out and what’s on display could be from several hours earlier.

Tampa Buffet has an endless selection of incredible food. If you’re not a food whore, you’ll find a way to become one before leaving. From the endless sushi bar to 5 complete buffet lines of Chinese delicacies to the ice cream free for all. I’d argue that their Sunday Brunch (which adds in a Seafood Dinner Buffet) is the best possible way of spending $7.99 in Britton Plaza and it takes a lot to say that since Britton Plaza is also the home to Marshalls and Big Lots.

Back to Asians being so skinny; why is that? I’ve always wanted to go undercover in a Chinese kitchen because aside from your average cat skillet I think one might find great humor. They have to be back there laughing, wouldn’t you be? Raking in the big bucks as fat white people approach the bright lights and silver trays like sheep in a herd. Good for them.

I’m often “unable to find the time” to take in the atmosphere at Tampa Buffet. Traditionally I’m face down in my plate(s) but today I came up to take a breath. For the first time I noticed a cardboard Yao Ming, standing 7’6” in the corner. That in itself is funny.

I also notice our fellow customers. Mostly obese church-goers in their Sunday Best, alongside a few gems with neck tattoos and an occasional elderly couple. For the first time I also realized we’re really out of place here. Had we not been exercising and shrinking our waistlines for weeks on end prior to this, we may have had the room to join in on the obesity. It’s amazing how a few weeks of fitness and greens makes inhaling the buffet literally impossible. 2 plates in (one of Chinese, one of sushi) and I’m about to vomit.

The only thing I can find wrong with Tampa Buffet is their napkins, and that’s a small price to pay for such sexy food. Their napkins are incredibly thin, fall apart, and get stuck to each finger. It’s like trying to eat ribs with toilet paper.

Speaking of toilet paper. You’re also not allowed to flush toilet paper at Tampa Buffet. Apparently it backs up their plumbing. So, if you are forced to drop your kids off at the pool, which I was after eating two plates of Chinese food and Sushi, you’re faced with the awkward process of wiping your behind and then putting it in a nice large bin of poo-cloths next to the toilet.

For some reason it just doesn’t bother me. I return to the table where Ryan has set up an ice cream buffet for ants. He used the plastic condiment cups to try one tiny scoop of a few select flavors. This is why I love him so much. Prior to leaving the table I told him “I want ice cream but I literally have no room.” He likely assumed that given the amount of time I was gone, I was probably in the bathroom freeing up some space. In actuality I was just trying to read the sign correctly to make sure I didn’t accidentally give someone my fun little poo-cloth by surprise.

Anyway, you can’t say no to “one tiny lick” of ice cream. We ate our ice cream buffet for ants, and then went on our way.  Tampa Buffet, thank you as always. Sorry for spreading the news about your plumbing situation but I don’t think it’s a deal breaker. Your food is fucking fantastic.