Bad news: it’s not Smoke BBQ. Good news: it’s Boca Kitchen Bar!

Boca… “local, thoughtful, and most importantly, delicious.” I’m always skeptical of restaurants that go this trendy route of claiming they only use fresh, local, ingredients to create the foundation of a “world-class” menu. Perhaps my skepticism comes from my unpleasant experience at the Refinery … or my undying love for things that come out of a can.

My gays have been here and swear it’s delicious. I can make up my own mind but almost instantly fall in love. Upon walking in I see a man with a pony tail beard. While it may be offensive in a food environment, he reminds me of Edward Sharpe and makes me feel at “home”- get it? Sun kissed servers with bright eyes casually hang around the mimosa bar, occasionally checking on their tables. I wish that reminded me of home.

Ever since discovering blow, I’ve had a thing for sun-kissed boys with bright eyes – especially named Diego. I was talking about the movie, did I lose you for a minute? Go figure, we get the one server with the dark beady spawn of satin eyes.  If there’s such thing as a stiff mimosa, he pours one, and after much thought I’ve decided I like his white smile and muscular body. Is this what married life is like? Eating locally grown foods and falling in love with handsome servers who don’t even meet your minimum standards of blue or green eyes. Who have I become?

Ryan order’s a PBR and it is then I recall why I am marrying the man across the table. At Boca, you can upgrade your Pibber by adding in a brown paper bag and a side of bacon. They call it the “Sunday Morning Coming Down.” Much to my surprise (shocking, actually), Ryan does not opt in for this.

3 Mimosas in and I’ve got to pee. I am once again wearing a romper. What is it with these things and why has no one decided to design one with crotch access? I swear I wouldn’t play with myself; I just want a way to conveniently go to the bathroom in a public setting. So here we go, fully nude in Boca’s bathroom because no I’m not wearing a bra, and no I’m not wearing underwear and yes the only way to pee in a romper is to take it to the floor.  I stare at the locked door for what seems like minutes, just wondering what would happen if someone accidentally barged in. I used to babysit a cousin that took off all his clothes to go to the bathroom – in fact, even though he’s  in college now, I am pretty sure he still does that. I wonder if he experiences the same level of anxiety while sitting on the toilet nude in a dorm setting?

I return to eavesdrop on the table next to us. They all discuss diets and are easily 70 pounds overweight, each. They poke fun at one of the women saying she’s “always on some kind of diet.” Really??? A diet for humans? Or Clydesdales? They move on to criticizing a woman wearing shorts and boots. They hate on tattoos and the buzzed thought of ripping my romper off in public crosses my mind… If only I had boots.

Food! Ryan ordered an appetizer of breakfast breads and jams. The menu proudly proclaims that the strawberry jam hails from Plant City. Ryan is unimpressed and tells me about the strawberry patch his family kept “back on the farm” where early each summer, small supersweet berries were smashed into quarts of jam and enjoyed year round. The menu says the breakfast breads are served with strawberry, blackberry cardamom, kumquat marmalade and orange blossom honey butter but I think it’s more of a chef’s selection. The dieters next to us received extra and different selections but I don’t mind because the spiced apple butter we got was amazing.

Presentation is half the battle and Boca gets it! The jams come out in their own miniature Ball Mason jars. I’m pretty sure Ryan would have found a way to export those little treasures but he said he didn’t want to push his luck having already skirted the mandatory valet parking. We all know he likes to save a buck but I don’t think that was today’s objective. Before the valet had the opportunity for confrontation, he coolly slid him a five. I’m sure there was a “principle” in there somewhere but I chose not to ask.

Let’s get back to the food. Ryan gets the champagne and honey braised pork belly with black eye pea/pancetta succotash with Grand Marnier glaze (taking a breath). The pork belly was just a little dry and coarse but he claims it was saved by the glaze and the glorious layer of belly fat. I just happen to think it was all awesome.  Ryan almost ordered the staff meal which was brioche topped with a massive crispy fried chicken breast doused in sausage gravy and served with a wedge of ripe watermelon on the side but his Caucasian instincts (or recently found relationship with MyFitnessPal.com) must have kicked in last-minute when he opted in for the pork belly. He immediately regretted that decision – which is not a problem though, we’ll be back.

I ordered the market eggs Benedict with lump crab and upon having one bite of it my mind instantly went back to wondering why they don’t make crotchless rompers. I’ll leave it at that. Well done, Boca.  There is one issue though – Had we not found a “steal” on CLdeals.com, breakfast would have run us over $70… How is anyone supposed to afford that when you’re saving all your nickels and dimes to purchase an overpriced pig-shaped bbq smoker at Homegoods sometime within the next year?  I know, I know, had we controlled our drinking we wouldn’t have been in such a costly predicament. But given our couponic tendencies, we will be back. Worth every penny if you’re getting it half off.